Twilight: Breaking Womb

Oh, I know, I know. I know. Controversial blog title, about controversial (or just downright silly) movie/book/fan girl cult.

But it’s that time of year where the tweens-and-their-mums come out to play. Specifically, to watch Edward do the dirty with Bella in a four poster bed on a tropical island (seriously? any more cliches, there, Twilight?).

I haven’t seen the whole thing, BUT I HAVE SEEN BITS (capitalisation for emphasis, etc). Due to one of my many, many jobs taking place at a cinema, it was my lucky duty to be delivering food, drinks and blankets (yes, blankets) to patrons at my particular cinema. I was also privy to seeing Edward penetrate Bella at least five times in one night (the horror, people. The horror).

But in all seriousness, here are the parts of Twilight I have so far seen:

Part One: Bella’s gloomy voiceover about how children grow up, there are kingdoms, and children live in them (or something to this effect). Meanwhile, I attempt to deliver a set of cocktails to some very squealy middle-aged women who nearly fall off their chairs when Jacob takes his shirt off).

Part Two: Bella’s wobbling around in heels. Alice tells her she can’t go barefoot (duh) and Bella then spends a few minutes staring at Edward’s face. Already, one husband has left the cinema, and I’m not sure if he’ll be coming back. His wife didn’t even notice.

Part Three: IT’S THE WEDDING, OMG. Bella is worried she’ll trip, or faint, or something. I’m struck by the fact that Bella and I are SO ALIKE because, she, like, is totally clumsy, and I’m so TOTALLY CLUMSY TOO, and GOSH, doesn’t that just make me relate to her SO MUCH!?

Part Four: (I had to duck out of the cinema for a minute here, so I missed the Brazil action. When I duck back in, Bella and Edward are swimming. Nekked).

I’m in the middle of delivering some popcorn when I realise THIS IS IT. The bed breaking scene. One of my colleagues and I stand up the back, and proceed to giggle like a bunch of five year olds when Edward breaks the bed. Twihards turn and glare. We leave the theatre to fetch more drinks.

Part Five: Bella’s woken up alone- Edward’s gone to the mainland to ‘hunt’. I’m not entirely sure how he got there- maybe he flew? Or did he take the boat and leave her stranded on the island? Either way, Bella is alone, and everyone in the cinema immediately yawns. They’re not here for Bella. But suddenly, right at the moment I deliver some maltesers to two teenage girls, Bella decides to chuck her guts up. The teenage girls aren’t impressed- that is, until they realise it’s the part when Bella comes to the conclusion that she’s PREGNANT.

As I deliver some more cocktails and lemonades down the front, Edward returns. He holds the same facial position and pose for about ten minutes as Bella waxes lyrical about her late period, and how it impossible it IS that she just MIGHT be PREGNANT. Finally, someone has the sense to call Carlisle, and the happy couple decide to return home, where Carlisle can “get that thing” out of Bella.

Part Six: (NB: Again, I had to actually go and do some work for quite awhile).

When I return to the cinema, ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE. Wolves are fighting vampires, vampires are climbing trees, and someone down in the front row has spilt a drink all over themselves in excitement. As I try and mop up the Diet Coke they spilt in their lap, Jacob appears. Apparently he has “imprinted” on something, and they all need to stop fighting RIGHTNOW. Never mind that the ‘something’ is a baby who just killed his until-recent lady crush. Werewolf laws, people. Werewolf laws.

I exit the cinema again feeling confused. Luckily, I’ve read the books. I’m disappointed because I realise I’ve missed the all-important birth-via-vampire-teeth scene, which is entirely unacceptable as it’s basically the entire point I was working tonight. I was happy to get paid and all, but really I was there to see Kristen Stewart get shredded by vampire teeth. Then I remember that I’ll actually be seeing the film for myself next week, and I should probably save the gore for then when I go home and see the film with my sister, and we can cackle in an empty cinema in the middle of regional Victoria.

Part Seven: Bella’s lying on a table. She’s looking skinny and pale- so pretty much exactly like Edward. It’s all VERY SERIOUS, though, because Bella is presumably dead. I say presumably because we all know she doesn’t die.

Then, suddenly, we’re inside Bella’s veins, and cells are exploding, and her lungs are turning to ice, and everything is SPARKLY. And then we see Bella’s hair changing colour, and her cheeks pop back out to a normal shape. And then the camera zooms in for the most predictable scene of the film (well, besides the one where Jacob takes his shirt off)- Bella opens her eyes, and THEY ARE RED, PEOPLE, THEY ARE RED.

If I actually gave a shit, at this point I would squeal. As it was, I settled for sighing and rolling my eyes so loudly the people in the next suburb heard me.

The only reason I can’t wait to see this film? I am dying to see the part where Edward rips Bella open to herd out that vampire-baby with the abominably bad name of Renesmee (seriously, Stephanie Meyer? I think my five year old cousin would have thought that name was too cliche).

Bring the vampire foetus on.