Twilight: Breaking Womb

Oh, I know, I know. I know. Controversial blog title, about controversial (or just downright silly) movie/book/fan girl cult.

But it’s that time of year where the tweens-and-their-mums come out to play. Specifically, to watch Edward do the dirty with Bella in a four poster bed on a tropical island (seriously? any more cliches, there, Twilight?).

I haven’t seen the whole thing, BUT I HAVE SEEN BITS (capitalisation for emphasis, etc). Due to one of my many, many jobs taking place at a cinema, it was my lucky duty to be delivering food, drinks and blankets (yes, blankets) to patrons at my particular cinema. I was also privy to seeing Edward penetrate Bella at least five times in one night (the horror, people. The horror).

But in all seriousness, here are the parts of Twilight I have so far seen:

Part One: Bella’s gloomy voiceover about how children grow up, there are kingdoms, and children live in them (or something to this effect). Meanwhile, I attempt to deliver a set of cocktails to some very squealy middle-aged women who nearly fall off their chairs when Jacob takes his shirt off).

Part Two: Bella’s wobbling around in heels. Alice tells her she can’t go barefoot (duh) and Bella then spends a few minutes staring at Edward’s face. Already, one husband has left the cinema, and I’m not sure if he’ll be coming back. His wife didn’t even notice.

Part Three: IT’S THE WEDDING, OMG. Bella is worried she’ll trip, or faint, or something. I’m struck by the fact that Bella and I are SO ALIKE because, she, like, is totally clumsy, and I’m so TOTALLY CLUMSY TOO, and GOSH, doesn’t that just make me relate to her SO MUCH!?

Part Four: (I had to duck out of the cinema for a minute here, so I missed the Brazil action. When I duck back in, Bella and Edward are swimming. Nekked).

I’m in the middle of delivering some popcorn when I realise THIS IS IT. The bed breaking scene. One of my colleagues and I stand up the back, and proceed to giggle like a bunch of five year olds when Edward breaks the bed. Twihards turn and glare. We leave the theatre to fetch more drinks.

Part Five: Bella’s woken up alone- Edward’s gone to the mainland to ‘hunt’. I’m not entirely sure how he got there- maybe he flew? Or did he take the boat and leave her stranded on the island? Either way, Bella is alone, and everyone in the cinema immediately yawns. They’re not here for Bella. But suddenly, right at the moment I deliver some maltesers to two teenage girls, Bella decides to chuck her guts up. The teenage girls aren’t impressed- that is, until they realise it’s the part when Bella comes to the conclusion that she’s PREGNANT.

As I deliver some more cocktails and lemonades down the front, Edward returns. He holds the same facial position and pose for about ten minutes as Bella waxes lyrical about her late period, and how it impossible it IS that she just MIGHT be PREGNANT. Finally, someone has the sense to call Carlisle, and the happy couple decide to return home, where Carlisle can “get that thing” out of Bella.

Part Six: (NB: Again, I had to actually go and do some work for quite awhile).

When I return to the cinema, ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE. Wolves are fighting vampires, vampires are climbing trees, and someone down in the front row has spilt a drink all over themselves in excitement. As I try and mop up the Diet Coke they spilt in their lap, Jacob appears. Apparently he has “imprinted” on something, and they all need to stop fighting RIGHTNOW. Never mind that the ‘something’ is a baby who just killed his until-recent lady crush. Werewolf laws, people. Werewolf laws.

I exit the cinema again feeling confused. Luckily, I’ve read the books. I’m disappointed because I realise I’ve missed the all-important birth-via-vampire-teeth scene, which is entirely unacceptable as it’s basically the entire point I was working tonight. I was happy to get paid and all, but really I was there to see Kristen Stewart get shredded by vampire teeth. Then I remember that I’ll actually be seeing the film for myself next week, and I should probably save the gore for then when I go home and see the film with my sister, and we can cackle in an empty cinema in the middle of regional Victoria.

Part Seven: Bella’s lying on a table. She’s looking skinny and pale- so pretty much exactly like Edward. It’s all VERY SERIOUS, though, because Bella is presumably dead. I say presumably because we all know she doesn’t die.

Then, suddenly, we’re inside Bella’s veins, and cells are exploding, and her lungs are turning to ice, and everything is SPARKLY. And then we see Bella’s hair changing colour, and her cheeks pop back out to a normal shape. And then the camera zooms in for the most predictable scene of the film (well, besides the one where Jacob takes his shirt off)- Bella opens her eyes, and THEY ARE RED, PEOPLE, THEY ARE RED.

If I actually gave a shit, at this point I would squeal. As it was, I settled for sighing and rolling my eyes so loudly the people in the next suburb heard me.

The only reason I can’t wait to see this film? I am dying to see the part where Edward rips Bella open to herd out that vampire-baby with the abominably bad name of Renesmee (seriously, Stephanie Meyer? I think my five year old cousin would have thought that name was too cliche).

Bring the vampire foetus on.

Breaking Dawn: the trailer, dissected


But really. I am. Mostly because it means I get to lampoon Twilight fans all over again. And if you’re here, chances are you’re celebrating for that exact reason, too.

Let’s begin. *cue ominous music*

Of course, we start with a series of letter openings. What on earth could this be? Why do these old vampires look slightly constipated, scarily pleased and indifferent?!  Someone, please, enlighten me!

…What’s that, you say? A WEDDING?


Let’s see how the family is taking the news. Bella’s dad looks… doubtful. There’s no other words for it. He looks extreeemely doubtful. In fact, he looks as if he can’t believe that his 18 (19? who knows? Certainly not me) year old daughter is about to marry some sparkly, sucky twat. Don’t worry, Dad, I feel the same way. But we all know Bella has an IQ rivalled only by that of a garden tool, so we probably shouldn’t feel that surprised, y’know?

How is that beefcake Jacob handling the news? …. Well, he looks PISSED. In fact, he looks so pissed, he reacts in an entirely unpredictable, oh-my-god-we-didn’t-see-THAT-coming-way. What does he do when he reads the invitation? Why, he storms outside, into the rain (OF course into the rain. It’s raining because the rain makes his bajillion ab muscles glisten deliciously), RIPS OFF HIS SHIRT and then TRANSFORMS INTO A WOLF. OHMFGEE, EVERYONE. A WOLF. AB MUSCLES. JACOB IS PISSED. JACOB TRANSFORMS. AB MUSCLES. JACOB RUNS AWAY AS A WOLF BECAUSE OF A WEDDING INVITATION. ABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLES.


Don’t worry Jacob, you’ll get your revenge in the second-chapter-of-this-book-where-we-don’t-rip-off-Harry-Potter-by-making-another-film-from-the-same-book-no-siree. You get the dubious honour of falling in love with an infant. *high five*… or you know, not.

Moving along.

Edward’s looking a little… snarly. But he’s also not sparkly. What’s up with that? Did Bella ask him to tone down the sparkle for the day, so at least her eye shadow wouldn’t match his skin?

But the most important part is yet to come! (heh. Literally. Sorry, bad pun.) The part that approximately 4738920484209 screaming housewives, 574839213 twelve year old girls and no one else on the planet truly cares about- the part where Edward and Bella finally, finally, finally get it onnnnn:

And it’s reasonably good, as far as vampire and human sex goes! It’s still nothing on True Blood, and I maintain that Eric would wipe the floor- I repeat, WIPE THE FLOOR- with Edward in about 3 seconds, but still.  Edward BREAKS THE BED. Credit where credit is due, people. And I was rather impressed. This .002 seconds of the trailer didn’t make me want to simultaneously vomit and punch the screen. So, that’s impressive.

Unfortunately, it all goes steeply downhill from there. I won’t put you through the next ten seconds of somewhat random fight scenes, interspersed with R Patz and K Stew having a good ol’ fashioned make out session in a waterfall (because we all know that’s EXACTLY WHAT YOU DO when you’re 19 and on your honeymoon with your vampire husband). Suffice to say that no one cares. Let’s skip to final interesting bit: the Alien-esque situation where Bella realises that Edward’s swimmers have, well, swum:

You can see her tiny brain finally realising that holy hell, something is ALIVE, it wants OUT, she is PREGNANT, and crap freakin shit crap, is it going to sparkle in the sun like its daddy does?!

Edward is especially concerned about this last point. That baby better have some damn SPARKLES, bitches.

I can’t wait for the next trailer to be released. Actually, what I’m really looking forward to is seeing how the director handles the blood and gore scene that is Bella ‘giving birth’- that is to say, having a baby explode out of her stomach.

That is worth paying a movie ticket to go see, my friends.

Readers, meet Alice.

You may be aware (or may not- either way, I don’t care) that I like LOVE Resident Evil. Not the actua, zombie part- not even the name (Resident Evil sounds a bit too scary, I think) but simply one character. Alice.

Everyone, say hello to Alice:

alice resident evil afterlife

She looks all serious because she needs to save the world. No, really. I’m not going to explain Resident Evil to you (mostly because I’ve only seen the films, and I think that’s all I can handle) but basically, there are zombies and Alice kills them. Like this:

Why do I like Alice so much? Even I’m not sure. I suspect it’s something to with her insanely cool fighting moves, and the fact that she’s saving the world (without a guy helping her, for the most part). The actual movies terrify me- but the fact that they have an entire host of kick ass girl characters helps. Apart from Alice, there’s Jill Valentine, and Claire Redfield- who both kick ass.

Alice is the exact opposite of this:

aaaand this:

So, as a love note to the scariest, most kick ass character this side of…well, nothing, let’s have a photo montage of Alice in action to round off the weekend: