Breaking Dawn: the trailer, dissected

OMFG, GUIZ. THERE’S A NEW TRAILER OUT 4 TWILIGHT. I’M LIKE, SOOOOOOOO EXCIIIIIIIIIIITED!!!! VHBEIRUWOFTYIODHSJMZ,HDSQWUAISJKZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But really. I am. Mostly because it means I get to lampoon Twilight fans all over again. And if you’re here, chances are you’re celebrating for that exact reason, too.

Let’s begin. *cue ominous music*

Of course, we start with a series of letter openings. What on earth could this be? Why do these old vampires look slightly constipated, scarily pleased and indifferent?!  Someone, please, enlighten me!

…What’s that, you say? A WEDDING?

HOLY FREAKIN SHIT. A FREAKIN WEDDING. BECAUSE I DID NOT ALREADY KNOW THAT FROM THE LAST FILM. HOW ENTIRELY UNPREDICTABLE.

Let’s see how the family is taking the news. Bella’s dad looks… doubtful. There’s no other words for it. He looks extreeemely doubtful. In fact, he looks as if he can’t believe that his 18 (19? who knows? Certainly not me) year old daughter is about to marry some sparkly, sucky twat. Don’t worry, Dad, I feel the same way. But we all know Bella has an IQ rivalled only by that of a garden tool, so we probably shouldn’t feel that surprised, y’know?


How is that beefcake Jacob handling the news? …. Well, he looks PISSED. In fact, he looks so pissed, he reacts in an entirely unpredictable, oh-my-god-we-didn’t-see-THAT-coming-way. What does he do when he reads the invitation? Why, he storms outside, into the rain (OF course into the rain. It’s raining because the rain makes his bajillion ab muscles glisten deliciously), RIPS OFF HIS SHIRT and then TRANSFORMS INTO A WOLF. OHMFGEE, EVERYONE. A WOLF. AB MUSCLES. JACOB IS PISSED. JACOB TRANSFORMS. AB MUSCLES. JACOB RUNS AWAY AS A WOLF BECAUSE OF A WEDDING INVITATION. ABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLES.

Ahem.

Don’t worry Jacob, you’ll get your revenge in the second-chapter-of-this-book-where-we-don’t-rip-off-Harry-Potter-by-making-another-film-from-the-same-book-no-siree. You get the dubious honour of falling in love with an infant. *high five*… or you know, not.

Moving along.


Edward’s looking a little… snarly. But he’s also not sparkly. What’s up with that? Did Bella ask him to tone down the sparkle for the day, so at least her eye shadow wouldn’t match his skin?

But the most important part is yet to come! (heh. Literally. Sorry, bad pun.) The part that approximately 4738920484209 screaming housewives, 574839213 twelve year old girls and no one else on the planet truly cares about- the part where Edward and Bella finally, finally, finally get it onnnnn:


And it’s reasonably good, as far as vampire and human sex goes! It’s still nothing on True Blood, and I maintain that Eric would wipe the floor- I repeat, WIPE THE FLOOR- with Edward in about 3 seconds, but still.  Edward BREAKS THE BED. Credit where credit is due, people. And I was rather impressed. This .002 seconds of the trailer didn’t make me want to simultaneously vomit and punch the screen. So, that’s impressive.

Unfortunately, it all goes steeply downhill from there. I won’t put you through the next ten seconds of somewhat random fight scenes, interspersed with R Patz and K Stew having a good ol’ fashioned make out session in a waterfall (because we all know that’s EXACTLY WHAT YOU DO when you’re 19 and on your honeymoon with your vampire husband). Suffice to say that no one cares. Let’s skip to final interesting bit: the Alien-esque situation where Bella realises that Edward’s swimmers have, well, swum:

You can see her tiny brain finally realising that holy hell, something is ALIVE, it wants OUT, she is PREGNANT, and crap freakin shit crap, is it going to sparkle in the sun like its daddy does?!

Edward is especially concerned about this last point. That baby better have some damn SPARKLES, bitches.

I can’t wait for the next trailer to be released. Actually, what I’m really looking forward to is seeing how the director handles the blood and gore scene that is Bella ‘giving birth’- that is to say, having a baby explode out of her stomach.

That is worth paying a movie ticket to go see, my friends.


True Blood: Shirtless Swedish relief, anyone?

Yes- it’s time that I conjured some visual pleasure for the lay-dee readers of this blog. It may be superficial, but heck, we’re less than a week out from an election, people. What isn’t superficial at the moment?

Allow me to introduce to you Alexander Skarsgard. Best known for having long hair and fangs in ‘True Blood’, he’s originally Swedish, and…….

Sorry. Lost my train of thought there. It must have been that pretty picture above.

As you can tell, I’ve been getting right into ‘True Blood’ at the moment- and no, it’s not just for scenes like this:

It’s because I don’t have to see shit like this:

No more pasty, sparkly ‘vampires’ with about 432901 layers of make up on. I sense another blog post coming on. One that compares how much Twilight sucks when compared to the kick-ass vampires I’ve been seeing in True Blood.

But, in the mean time- let’s just enjoy, shall we? Happy election, everyone!

See? Even Julia and Swanny can’t handle it:

Edward Cullen vs Mr Darcy

Let me preface this by saying that if one more person asks me what ‘team’ I’m on, I’m going to respond with “I’m on Team fuck-off-and-die, you little twihard geek”.

So. I’m not a fan of Twilight. But I’m here today to defend Darcy against the…insinuation… that he is in any way, shape, or form like Edward Cullen. Yes, that Edward Cullen- the one that sparkles in the sunshine, and gets moody vampire PMS, and kills animals, and stalks normal girls who have the average intelligence of a stick. Christ.

So. Let’s examine Darcy first- no, not like that, get your mind out of the gutter. Oh, alright, just one photo….

Now that I have your undivided attention, let’s examine Darcy’s character.

PROS: He’s able to admit he was wrong. See here:

“”By you I was properly humbled. I came to you without a doubt of my reception. You showed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased.”

Now that’s what I call an apology. Imagine their household. Lizzy’s all “Darling, you forgot to pick up the milk on the way home…again.” And then Darcy takes his hand in hers, and says “I’m sorry, I’ll go get it right now. You are a women worthy of me pleasing. I shall fetcheth the milketh without delayeth” (Yes, shut up, they talk like that).

Darcy can ride a horse like it’s nobody’s business. He’s also immaculately dressed,  and so very, very English that you just know he would go crazy for you when…well, yes, you know when.

Look at him. He’s all “Hellllllllo, lay-dies”. Also, please ignore the caption at the bottom of that image. Darcy is much, much more than just breeding material.

Final pro- he cannot get Lizzy out of his head. He’s sitting there, listening to her atrocious piano playing, and he goes all googly-eyed about how fiesty and independent she is:

God. Sorry. Moving on. I was little bit distracted there.

Now, onto SparkleVamp, and his “good points”:

PROS: He’s protective. Very protective. Verging on stalker-ish protective. He follows Bella everywhere, and risks his life (if that’s possible) for her. Look, guess the risking the life thing is kind of romantic. I get that.

He’s ridiculously polite, he’s apparently the most beautiful thing on earth (according to Bella), and he’s strong.

He’s also a whiny, dumb beeatch. Sorry, I have little to no impartiality here. Edward Cullen is a BOY, people, a MERE BOY. The only reason he can handle Bella is because Bella is a whiny little GIRL. OF COURSE they’re made for each other.

Lizzy is all grown up, and has some opinions. And at first, Darcy can’t handle Lizzy and all her “I am woman, hear me roar” attitude. But, eventually, he chills the fuck out, and warms up to her. And I don’t think he ever ONCE sniffed her.

I mean, Edward SPARKLES. If he sneezed, glitter would come out. That’s not attractive, people, that’s DUMB WRITING.

Let’s pick one excellent example from ‘New Moon’, shall we? The scene with Edward breaking up with Bella in her gigantic jungle/forest/bushland/national park right outside her back door.

EDWARD: Bella, I don’t want you to come with me.

BELLA: WTF, bro? We’re souuuuuuuuuulmates

E:  Of course, I’ll always love you… in a way.  But what happened the other night made me realise that I wanna hit that. By that, I mean sexy vampires that don’t break when you throw them into a piano. Sexy lay-dee vampires who sparkle, and eat animals, and who I don’t want to devour.

B: WTF EDWARD

E: You’re not good for me, Bella. So even though I apparently love you and would die for you and would die without you in my life…you need to fuck off.

B: But without you I’m an empty shell….No one will love me, I’m so plain and un-pretty and clumsy and dumb!!!!!!!!!

E: Uhhhhhhhhhhh……

B:  *Sob sob sob sob sob*

E: Right, that’s it, I’m disappearing and you’ll never ever ever ever EVER see me again, so go and stroke bad-boy Jacob’s abs already.

B: OMG WTF ZOMG FBNGFREW NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

E: VAMPIRE OUT *salute*

….I mean, really, people? You compare this to Darcy?

Twilight: ….. I don’t understand

No, really, I don’t. The writing is horrrrrific, the characters are lifted straight from Vladimir Propp’s ” The Book of Characters 101″, and as for the ‘love’ between Bella and Edward? I’ve felt more of a passionate flame from those cheap $2 shop candles.

But, I want to explore further the lure of the ‘Sparkle Vamp’ (as Jezebel.com refers to him as).

Firstly, let’s chat about his looks. Apparentely, they’re legendary. By extension, so are Rob Pattinson’s. But let’s see what the author herself has to say in regard to Edward’s appearance:

-The character was inspired by Gilbert Blythe, Fitzwilliam Darcy, and Edward Rochester.

Hang on. STOP.

Not my Darcy!!! Never, Meyer! He has NO DARCY about him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just for comparison’s sake:

*Swoon*

Ahem. Yes. Colin Firth, compared to this:

Okay, okay, okay. Just to be fair, one without the captions:

If there was ever a definition of a ‘hot mess’, it’d be the child of this dude and Britneeee Spears, y’all. He’s unshaven, his hair looks like he crawled out a cave, and he has this ‘dazed and confused’ look about him that I don’t find at all appealing. I like a man to have a bit of confidence about him- especially because, if I deign to date him, he’s got to know what he’s doing. All I’m saying is, R-Patz- stop  trying to smolder seductively at me. You cannot match Darcy’s swagger.

My god, one more time, just for shits and giggles:

Look at that: that is a guy who is NOT going to suck your lifeblood from you. Instead, he’s going to throw you over his shoulder and…well….yes. Ahem.

Moving on. Twilight.

WHEN WAS IT EVER SEXY FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND TO WANT TO KILL YOU?

That’s not sexy- that’s suicidal. And stupid. But I’m saving Bella’s idiocy for a longer post, where I have more time.

However, back to Sparklevamp. Let’s consult Buffy’s take on Edward’s creepy stalker-ish tendencies, shall we:

I found myself nodding along to the entire 6 minutes of this. He IS creepy, he IS a stalker. He WANTS TO KILL BELLA. And she PRETTY MUCH LETS HIM.

That’s not love, people.

Besides, Buffy’s The Slayer. Slaaaaaaaaaaaaayer. Right? She doesn’t need Edward to ‘protect’ her. And she doesn’t find it sexy. Neither should Bella.

But in all seriousness, young girls are watching this. It’s a bit twisted. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure people can make up their own minds. But stalking is not sexy, and never will be. Persevereness is NOT key here.

Christ, Edward says to Bella “I like watching you sleep”. Good God.

But love is blind, right? If it’s love, it’s okay, right?

Abso-freaking-lutely not.