Breaking Dawn: the trailer, dissected

OMFG, GUIZ. THERE’S A NEW TRAILER OUT 4 TWILIGHT. I’M LIKE, SOOOOOOOO EXCIIIIIIIIIIITED!!!! VHBEIRUWOFTYIODHSJMZ,HDSQWUAISJKZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But really. I am. Mostly because it means I get to lampoon Twilight fans all over again. And if you’re here, chances are you’re celebrating for that exact reason, too.

Let’s begin. *cue ominous music*

Of course, we start with a series of letter openings. What on earth could this be? Why do these old vampires look slightly constipated, scarily pleased and indifferent?!  Someone, please, enlighten me!

…What’s that, you say? A WEDDING?

HOLY FREAKIN SHIT. A FREAKIN WEDDING. BECAUSE I DID NOT ALREADY KNOW THAT FROM THE LAST FILM. HOW ENTIRELY UNPREDICTABLE.

Let’s see how the family is taking the news. Bella’s dad looks… doubtful. There’s no other words for it. He looks extreeemely doubtful. In fact, he looks as if he can’t believe that his 18 (19? who knows? Certainly not me) year old daughter is about to marry some sparkly, sucky twat. Don’t worry, Dad, I feel the same way. But we all know Bella has an IQ rivalled only by that of a garden tool, so we probably shouldn’t feel that surprised, y’know?


How is that beefcake Jacob handling the news? …. Well, he looks PISSED. In fact, he looks so pissed, he reacts in an entirely unpredictable, oh-my-god-we-didn’t-see-THAT-coming-way. What does he do when he reads the invitation? Why, he storms outside, into the rain (OF course into the rain. It’s raining because the rain makes his bajillion ab muscles glisten deliciously), RIPS OFF HIS SHIRT and then TRANSFORMS INTO A WOLF. OHMFGEE, EVERYONE. A WOLF. AB MUSCLES. JACOB IS PISSED. JACOB TRANSFORMS. AB MUSCLES. JACOB RUNS AWAY AS A WOLF BECAUSE OF A WEDDING INVITATION. ABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLESABMUSCLES.

Ahem.

Don’t worry Jacob, you’ll get your revenge in the second-chapter-of-this-book-where-we-don’t-rip-off-Harry-Potter-by-making-another-film-from-the-same-book-no-siree. You get the dubious honour of falling in love with an infant. *high five*… or you know, not.

Moving along.


Edward’s looking a little… snarly. But he’s also not sparkly. What’s up with that? Did Bella ask him to tone down the sparkle for the day, so at least her eye shadow wouldn’t match his skin?

But the most important part is yet to come! (heh. Literally. Sorry, bad pun.) The part that approximately 4738920484209 screaming housewives, 574839213 twelve year old girls and no one else on the planet truly cares about- the part where Edward and Bella finally, finally, finally get it onnnnn:


And it’s reasonably good, as far as vampire and human sex goes! It’s still nothing on True Blood, and I maintain that Eric would wipe the floor- I repeat, WIPE THE FLOOR- with Edward in about 3 seconds, but still.  Edward BREAKS THE BED. Credit where credit is due, people. And I was rather impressed. This .002 seconds of the trailer didn’t make me want to simultaneously vomit and punch the screen. So, that’s impressive.

Unfortunately, it all goes steeply downhill from there. I won’t put you through the next ten seconds of somewhat random fight scenes, interspersed with R Patz and K Stew having a good ol’ fashioned make out session in a waterfall (because we all know that’s EXACTLY WHAT YOU DO when you’re 19 and on your honeymoon with your vampire husband). Suffice to say that no one cares. Let’s skip to final interesting bit: the Alien-esque situation where Bella realises that Edward’s swimmers have, well, swum:

You can see her tiny brain finally realising that holy hell, something is ALIVE, it wants OUT, she is PREGNANT, and crap freakin shit crap, is it going to sparkle in the sun like its daddy does?!

Edward is especially concerned about this last point. That baby better have some damn SPARKLES, bitches.

I can’t wait for the next trailer to be released. Actually, what I’m really looking forward to is seeing how the director handles the blood and gore scene that is Bella ‘giving birth’- that is to say, having a baby explode out of her stomach.

That is worth paying a movie ticket to go see, my friends.


Female Super Heroes

I’ve previously mentioned my love of all things Alice, from Resident Evil. She opens a can of whoop-arse every time she encounters a zombie. The girl is a super star.

However, she seems to be an exception to the female super hero rule. I recently watched “The Incredibles” for approximately the 5th time, and it annoyed me as much as it did the first time. Sure, it’s funny, and clever- but the story line is so very, very, very cliche.

For those of you who haven’t seen The Incredibles (uh, all three of you….) it’s a story about super hero parents having super hero kids, and then Daddy Super Hero gets into trouble, and so Mummy Super Hero has to rescue him, and the Kiddy Super Heroes sneak along for the ride. Entertaining, yes? Cliche? Absolutely.

The four main characters- Mum (Elastigirl), Dad (Mr. Incredible), Violet (the daughter), and Dash (the son)- were gifted with boringly predictable powers. Let’s break it down a little further, shall we?

Mr. Incredible:

Incredibly strong (lifts cars, gigantic statues), and has a heightened ability to resist pain. Not all that smart, loses his temper often- in summary, what the cinemas what like to call a typical frustrated male.

Elastigirl:

She can, uh, stretch? And transform herself into useful things like parachutes, and boats? All so she can save her children. Nice one, pixar. Elastigirl pretty much spends the entire movie going between “nagging wife” to “protective mother”. Never mind the fact that her flexibility is sold to the audience as a cheap sexual joke within the first 5 minutes of the film.

Violet:

Oh great, a strong female character who can uh…..turn invisible? And create a shield?…Lame.

I mean, I get the need for a few characters to have defensive powers. Just ask Bella Swan, who’s greatest achievement in life was learning how to ‘shield’ her loved ones from the Volturi. Nothing else- just shielding. She can’t attack things, for God’s sake- she’s a WOMAN!

Ahem. Back to Violet. Again, are Pixar deliberately trying to comment on the fact that women’s role in society is to be uber sexy and flexible, and also invisible? Whilst being able to shield others? It’s so frustrating to see yet another cool female character get the shit end of the super powers stick.

 

Dash:

Oh look, a male with athletic prowess! How extraordinary!

You know what WOULD be extraordinary? If all these characters swapped super powers! For example, if we had an Elastiboy (yes, he would still be called ‘boy’ even when he’s mid 40′s, just like bloody Elastigirl did….) as the husband who stayed at home and looked after the kids, a Ms. incredible with super strength and bulging muscles who gets fired and suffers an identity crisis, a daughter who can run incredibly quickly, and a shy young boy who can turn invisible and create shields to protect the people he loves.

Defensive abilities aren’t necessarily (IMO) negative- I would never say that a desire to protect one’s children is a bad thing.

What annoys me is how these roles are continually allocated in the same fashion. Women are cast as having the protective, ‘defensive’ skills, whilst men have the ‘attacking’ skills. For me, I don’t believe in the idea of promoting “gender stereotypes”- and that includes what you say are the “feminine attributes” of wanting to defend oneself and ones children.

I believe that defensive and attacking abilities are equal- but I’d like to see the gender roles changed once in awhile. Of course men and women can be given equal value- but when you say “typically feminine characteristics” I don’t agree that these are necessarily “defensive and nurturing” ones.

All I wish for is for the roles to be mixed up once in awhile, and for a few more females characters to come along that have the powers to attack- along with a few more male characters that have the power to shield, and nurture their children in what you say is a typically ‘feminine’ way. I don’t agree with the concept of gender stereotypes in any sense. Women should be able to have whatever role they want, and all I’d like to see is a slight increase in strong females who can do something other than shield or nuture other people.

Now that’s a movie I’d want to see.

 

Readers, meet Alice.


You may be aware (or may not- either way, I don’t care) that I like LOVE Resident Evil. Not the actua, zombie part- not even the name (Resident Evil sounds a bit too scary, I think) but simply one character. Alice.

Everyone, say hello to Alice:

alice resident evil afterlife

She looks all serious because she needs to save the world. No, really. I’m not going to explain Resident Evil to you (mostly because I’ve only seen the films, and I think that’s all I can handle) but basically, there are zombies and Alice kills them. Like this:

Why do I like Alice so much? Even I’m not sure. I suspect it’s something to with her insanely cool fighting moves, and the fact that she’s saving the world (without a guy helping her, for the most part). The actual movies terrify me- but the fact that they have an entire host of kick ass girl characters helps. Apart from Alice, there’s Jill Valentine, and Claire Redfield- who both kick ass.

Alice is the exact opposite of this:

aaaand this:

So, as a love note to the scariest, most kick ass character this side of…well, nothing, let’s have a photo montage of Alice in action to round off the weekend:

Twilight vs True Blood: Round one

*Ding ding*

Ladies, gentlemen, vampires, and all other guests: allow me to welcome you to round one of Twilight vs True Blood.

Our players tonight? In the blue corner, I bring you Isabella Swan. The doe-eyed, weepy, woosy, useless Bella (okay, yes, I’m a little biased. But it’s my blog. Go write your own if you disagree):

Oh Bella.

Annnnnnnnnd: in the red corner? I bring you Sooookie Stackhouse, Sookie of the golden hair and the grating Southern accent and the general craziness:

Ah…I see that Sookie has um, dressed according to her colour tonight. Nice one, Sook. May I offer you the first point for actually being covered in blood and NOT having a vampire try to suck you dry?

Sorry, Bella. That ain’t going to cut it, pardon the pun.

Now, let’s do some comparisons, shall we?

GENERAL RAUNCHINESS

Now, I’m not one to just blatantly promote raunch factor for females. FYI, when I get to the male vamps, I’ll also be comparing their raunch factor. But I can tell you upfront, all the chaste glances in Twilight? It made me want to throw the book/movie against the wall.

So, onto Bella’s ‘raunchiness’:

This is about as bad-ass as these two get. Sure, she tries to seduce him the night before that ‘army of vampires’ thing, but Edward was having none of it. So then she went and smooched Jacob. Come to think of it, I guess Bella’s a bit of a slurry.

Sookie, on the other hand? Well, it doesn’t take her too long to jump into bed with Bill, and then Eric, and…you know. So on and so forth.

Meow.

So- sexiness, raunch factor, and general all round okay-ness with the idea of sex? Definitely Sookie. Bella tries- she tries to seduce Edward, she tries to fall in love with Jacob, etc, etc- but she fails for the most part.

Let me be clear here: I’m handing Sookie points because her love life is a little bit more realistic than Bella’s. Yes, there are vampires involved, so nothing is too realistic- but the concept of no sex until marriage is not something that’s reflective of society today. Especially in teenagers. I have nothing against people that choose to do this (heck, I know a few) but I would argue that’s it’s not a common thing. Moving on.

BAD-ASS FACTOR

Okay, who has more attitude and all-round bad-ass-ness? Bella, what ‘choo got?

(Pretty shield picture courtesy of here )

Bella has a  lovely shield that can….well…shield stuff. Mind you, this is only when she actually turns into a vampire. Before that happens, she’s pretty much helpless and requires Edward to rescue her every 2 seconds. As for the shield? Well, Bella still can’t attack anything- she can just shield her loved ones from other attacks.

As a side note: Have you noticed that all of the Cullens powers (ie, Alice’s future-seeingng, Jasper’s emotion-control thing, Edward’s mind-reading stuff) – it’s all passive. They can’t directly attack anything. But the Volturi? Jane can mind-torture things, Alec can cut off all of your senses, and Demetri can track you to infinite. Clearly, the ‘good’ vampires have nice powers.

Okay, and what does Sookie have? Well, she’s still a mere mortal, but she has mind reading powers. Which is pretty standard in terms of super powers.

But, Sookie’s not too scared of defending herself, either. In the first episode of True Blood she attacks two V addicts with a chain, in order to defend Bill Compton.  Poor Bill ends up like this:

And when Rene tries to kill Sookie? Well- don’t mess with that young girl, armed with a shovel.

So, bad-ass factor? Sookie, hands down. I’ve never seen Bella so much as lift a shovel, let alone wield one to chop of someone’s head.

HEROINE FACTOR

No. Not heroin, as in ‘you’re my personal brand of heroin’. Heroine as in female hero.  As in these chicks:

(Can you tell I’m a huge Resident Evil fan??)

Now, Bella? Heroine factor? Not particularly, no. As displayed here:

And Sookie? Well, she told Bill that she didn’t “need to be protected [because it] makes her feel like the helpless little girl she used to be all over again.”

Nice one, Sookie.

Sookie’s been bitten, kicked, punched, scratched, and shot at. She’s had more near death experiences than Bella’s had kisses. The winner? It’s not even a competition here, folks.

Look, overall, True Blood won this round. Mostly because its plot line is a little bit more savvy than this one:

Edward Cullen vs Mr Darcy

Let me preface this by saying that if one more person asks me what ‘team’ I’m on, I’m going to respond with “I’m on Team fuck-off-and-die, you little twihard geek”.

So. I’m not a fan of Twilight. But I’m here today to defend Darcy against the…insinuation… that he is in any way, shape, or form like Edward Cullen. Yes, that Edward Cullen- the one that sparkles in the sunshine, and gets moody vampire PMS, and kills animals, and stalks normal girls who have the average intelligence of a stick. Christ.

So. Let’s examine Darcy first- no, not like that, get your mind out of the gutter. Oh, alright, just one photo….

Now that I have your undivided attention, let’s examine Darcy’s character.

PROS: He’s able to admit he was wrong. See here:

“”By you I was properly humbled. I came to you without a doubt of my reception. You showed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased.”

Now that’s what I call an apology. Imagine their household. Lizzy’s all “Darling, you forgot to pick up the milk on the way home…again.” And then Darcy takes his hand in hers, and says “I’m sorry, I’ll go get it right now. You are a women worthy of me pleasing. I shall fetcheth the milketh without delayeth” (Yes, shut up, they talk like that).

Darcy can ride a horse like it’s nobody’s business. He’s also immaculately dressed,  and so very, very English that you just know he would go crazy for you when…well, yes, you know when.

Look at him. He’s all “Hellllllllo, lay-dies”. Also, please ignore the caption at the bottom of that image. Darcy is much, much more than just breeding material.

Final pro- he cannot get Lizzy out of his head. He’s sitting there, listening to her atrocious piano playing, and he goes all googly-eyed about how fiesty and independent she is:

God. Sorry. Moving on. I was little bit distracted there.

Now, onto SparkleVamp, and his “good points”:

PROS: He’s protective. Very protective. Verging on stalker-ish protective. He follows Bella everywhere, and risks his life (if that’s possible) for her. Look, guess the risking the life thing is kind of romantic. I get that.

He’s ridiculously polite, he’s apparently the most beautiful thing on earth (according to Bella), and he’s strong.

He’s also a whiny, dumb beeatch. Sorry, I have little to no impartiality here. Edward Cullen is a BOY, people, a MERE BOY. The only reason he can handle Bella is because Bella is a whiny little GIRL. OF COURSE they’re made for each other.

Lizzy is all grown up, and has some opinions. And at first, Darcy can’t handle Lizzy and all her “I am woman, hear me roar” attitude. But, eventually, he chills the fuck out, and warms up to her. And I don’t think he ever ONCE sniffed her.

I mean, Edward SPARKLES. If he sneezed, glitter would come out. That’s not attractive, people, that’s DUMB WRITING.

Let’s pick one excellent example from ‘New Moon’, shall we? The scene with Edward breaking up with Bella in her gigantic jungle/forest/bushland/national park right outside her back door.

EDWARD: Bella, I don’t want you to come with me.

BELLA: WTF, bro? We’re souuuuuuuuuulmates

E:  Of course, I’ll always love you… in a way.  But what happened the other night made me realise that I wanna hit that. By that, I mean sexy vampires that don’t break when you throw them into a piano. Sexy lay-dee vampires who sparkle, and eat animals, and who I don’t want to devour.

B: WTF EDWARD

E: You’re not good for me, Bella. So even though I apparently love you and would die for you and would die without you in my life…you need to fuck off.

B: But without you I’m an empty shell….No one will love me, I’m so plain and un-pretty and clumsy and dumb!!!!!!!!!

E: Uhhhhhhhhhhh……

B:  *Sob sob sob sob sob*

E: Right, that’s it, I’m disappearing and you’ll never ever ever ever EVER see me again, so go and stroke bad-boy Jacob’s abs already.

B: OMG WTF ZOMG FBNGFREW NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

E: VAMPIRE OUT *salute*

….I mean, really, people? You compare this to Darcy?